Archive for February, 2008

English / Spanglish : Murdering the queens language is sometimes necessary.

Published by
Darkchocolate
at February 22, 2008 in Churning swirly chocolatey thoughts. 0 Comments

I used to think in Isixhosa and speak in English. Quite frankly I liked it that way even though it led to sometimes amusing or irritating or confusing errors. Up until university I spoke Isixhosa and communicated intermittently in English. All the books I read were and still are in English as Isixhosa books were rather serious texts or plays. When I hit University the reverse became true. I spoke more English than Isixhosa even though my thoughts were still in Isixhosa. I still freaked out when I dream in English. I feel that the english language is gradually taking over.

I do emebrace the errors I still make, when speaking English, as they remind me of my roots to a large extent. My biggest error to this day is allocating the right pronoun to the correct gender. You see Isixhosa is not a gender based language. We don’t waste time with he/she. So it takes quite an effort to remember to use he or she all the time correctly.Most Isixhosa speakers will get it right the first few time and forget as the conversation starts flowing and start using the pronouns interchangeable which can confuse the listener. Even today I still make this error.

Another problem is pronunciation. Isixhosa speakers all over the country are so grateful to Mandela for putting the Isixhosa accent out there in the world. It made us less apologetic for it as before there was even a slight embarrassment about it. Mandela’s accent, maybe because of his long imprisonment, is what I would call a pure unadulterated original Isixhosa accent. I love it. It is thick and hard and uncompromising kinda like Amaxhosa.

I was reminded of my journey with the English language when I read an email about errors that Indians make when speaking English. They are funny as hell and they remind me so much of the errors my grandparents and people at village used to make when speaking English.

See, how people write leave Applications.

• Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: “Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.”

• This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son: “as I want to shave my son’s head, please leave me for two days..”

• Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter’s wedding: “as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave..”

• From H.A.L. Administration Dept: “As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.”

• Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: “Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”

• An incident of a leave letter: “I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.”

• A leave letter to the headmaster: “As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”

• Another leave letter written to the headmaster: “As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.”

• Covering note: “I am enclosed herewith…”

• Another one: “Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below…”

• Actual letter written for application of leave: “My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.

• Letter writing: “I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.”

• A candidate’s job application: “This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘ Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female’… As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Sometimes I think its necessary to murder the queens language just to remind us that we are not English after all.

Help: How does one deal with a chronic brown-noser ?

Published by
Darkchocolate
at February 21, 2008 in The Lounge Lizard. 0 Comments

Sucking up.

It’s not something that I have ever mastered even as a lowly employee. I can’t even flatter unnecessarily on the basis of sweetening and carrying favour with the one who is flattered who happens to be in a position of power. There is a huge difference between schmoozing, which makes perfect business sense and sucking which just annoys. I always feel like the brown-noser thinks I am stupid or obtuse if such blatant flattery would lead me to behave differently towards them. Consequently when I am sucked up to or perceive an action as a suck up I respond with what I call an inward / outward thrust and deflect manoeuvre. I truly believe that I have perfected this action and it swiftly deflects the brown-noser and turns the conversation back into the professional arena. Thus saving face alround. You may wonder why it was necessary to come up with this action. Let me tell you if you are in a position of power no matter how marginally powerful your actually power is; there are those who will seek to brown nose you. If you manage people it is guaranteed that at one time or the other they will brown nose you.

It’s just human nature I guess.

People inherently believe that a little bit of honey will attract loads of flies – personally I am not sure why anyone would want to attract flies , but there you are- in future e.g in my case it might be that a little bit of brown nosing might cause me to reconsider my initial thought on their performance bonus allocation come end of the year . It never works but they never stop thinking that way.

I usually respond with extreme annoyance and complete disbelief INTERNALLY. Outwardly I smile and take it and pray that whoever it is will get over it or stop quick.

The inward / outward thrust and deflect manoeuvre would go something like:

Brown noser: “wow you look so good today”
Me (internally): “oh fuck he is at it again”
Me (outwardly): “thank you” cue in big smile “is that report finished yet”.

This usually works and the conversation moves swiftly to a more acceptable proffessional ground. Hopefully whoever they are get over themselves and never suck up in such a blatant manner again or at the very least stop laddling out the blarney with a shovel.

It usually works beutifully .. Until now that is.

There is a new in resident consultant that we have just employed. Let’s just call her RH. Now residents consultants are suckers of note by nature. This comes form the fact that they know that their bread is not, NOT only unpermanently buttered but can be whipped away at a moment’s notice. They are not protected by labour laws like other employees. They are always aware that whilst their bodies might be through the door , their bums are most definitely still sticking out. So at any moment their future with the company can either way.

Now enter RH, our resident specialist. She is a brown noser by nature and quite energetic with it. Her consultant status causes her to notch this up a bit. It is the most annoying thing I have ever come across. She is always commenting on what I am wearing, the colour of clothing, the perfume, the shoes, my choice of drink etc. It is driving me dilly. The deflect manoeuvre simply does not work with her. She simply cannot intuitively tune in to the complete and utter irritation that her comments cause. Infact if I seem slight displeased , she hikes it up a notch.

RH .. wow look at that colour on you. It suits you so well . you know; I simply cannot wear that colour
Me; thanks .. how was the meeting yesterday?
RH: it was great . You were so right to suggest that I approach it from the greening angle it worked. You are so good you know
Me: Thanks… I better get back to work now
RH: Okay see you later…. Wow I love that perfume by the way
Me: roll eyes discretely and walk away

I honestly don’t know what to do with her. She is such a dedicated worker. She knows her stuff and she is incredible passionate; but hell I don’t think I can survive the year’s contract we have given her. She is super intense to put it mildly. I did suggest in a very subtle way to the CEO that maybe he should manage her directly as her project is breaking new ground and therefore requires a high level strategic involvement. His answer was “not on your Nelly. I am sure you can handle her” then he smiled knowingly.

It dawned on me I am up the proverbial creek without a paddle…..

Now what? help … please help … somebody!

Legacy of Valentines : Broken and bleeding hearts

Published by
Darkchocolate
at February 14, 2008 in Churning swirly chocolatey thoughts. 0 Comments

In my humble opinion there are two things that this day accomplishes, these are

• to make those already “coupled off” more smug about their couple dom even though the relationship may be basically going straight to shit
• to make the single and lonely hearts to become even more single and lonely

There so many who have had their hearts broken and splintered on this day. What I heard on the radio this morning just emphasised that. Lots of people calling and looking for love because they feel very lonely on this day.

From a very early age I really hated Valentines Day. I couldn’t understand why anyone would dedicate a whole day to hoping and waiting and comparing themselves to those who actually get the red roses and chocolates.

I did my high schooling at a boarding school. We only went home at the end of each term. So we were always intensely thirsty for anything that relieved boredom. Valentine’s Day did that and more. I cannot tell you how intense the whole Valentines Day thing was. Long before the day there would be speculation on who is likely to get from whom, or which two will get from the same boy- cause the guy was two timing them- who should get but wouldn’t because they were keeping their relationship secrete… and so on and so fourth. Basically just imagine teenage girls and boy with ranging hormones and wagging tongues. Not a very pretty sight I tell you. I actually know for a fact that a number of my friends sent valentine cards to themselves which in my view was just the height of being pathetic. I mean how could you enjoy it? In fact how could you even keep a straight face? Some were clever and asked cousins at home to send them cards which was just a tiny bit less pathetic than actually sending it yourself.

I can’t say how glad I am my kids seem to be so accepting and quite resilient about valentines. My son sees it as an investment into the future. He makes it a point to make one card and photocopy it in a colour printer a number of times, then give it out to as many girls in his school as possible. I thought he would expect to at least receive back a few so I was a little worried that his heart would be broken when he did not get any back. When I cautiously asked the conversation was as follows

Me: “sweetie what if you don’t get any back?”
He: looking at me like I was denser than a thick bush. “Mom it’s not about getting one back, you know. It is about getting them to say yes when I ask them out in future. Cause then they would think theirs was the real one?”
Me: completely gob smacked by this warped 10 year old boy logic. “But hey sweets but what if they think you played them by sending all these cards out and refuse to go out with you on principle”
Him completely exasperated now: “MOM, that is the point. Girls like players.”

I thought it would be wise to quit right there and there.

My daughter is really so laid back about it that she is almost horizontal. The school had arranged for all of them to go to Clifton beach after school for a valentine’s picnic. She made me sign a slip excusing her from attending cause she … get this .. Had just started a book that she was really into! I tried to convince her otherwise.

Me: Sweetie this sounds like fun, why don’t you go
Her: Mom, it’s a picnic on a sandy beach with a bunch of people I have just spent a whole day with
Me: you really need to socialise more
Her: I do .. I just choose not to today. Sides my book is really interesting ok.

Again I quit whilst I was still ahead.

Communication 101 is a must for all teachers and doctors

Published by
Darkchocolate
at February 12, 2008 in Churning swirly chocolatey thoughts. 0 Comments

“Your child is weak in many areas and seems to have an attidute problem as well” said the principal of the new school that my son has started in with out preamble or warning of any kind to prepare me for such a shocking revelation… I was pretty gob smacked.

Please picture this: I miss a parent teacher introduction session. Not surprising really as we are parents that work so it’s not easy to synchronise diaries with the school. Being a goody two shoes I write a note to the class teacher asking for a meeting to make up for the missed one. I receive no answer. A week later I received a call, from the school secretary, asking me for a meeting at the school. My response is “oh great I have been waiting for a response to my request”. I turn up at the school at the appointed time. I am shown to the principal’s office. Three other teachers join the meeting. I am seating there thinking wow this is quite a remarkable involvement shown by the school. Surely you don’t need 3 teachers to an introductory meeting. Then the principal kicks off with the above mentioned killer line. No preamble. No emotional preparation and no warning.

WTF??

Doesn’t part of the teaching course INCLUDE communicating with parents? Especially, if you are the bearer of bad tiding? Parents are emotional beings. They attack first and ask questions later when they perceive their young ones to be under threat.

This is the very first time I am meeting these teachers. My son is in grade 5 so presumable we are supposed to be aiming for a long term relationship here. Building the beginnings of one at least. This was definitely not the best way to do it.

I am seating there feeling vulnerable, unprepared and completely under attack. I am thinking this is a boy whose IQ, according to the test, is above average. This is a boy who passed his grade 4 with above average grades. He has been at this school for exactly 2 weeks and now they are telling me that he is rubbish!! WTF?

They themselves interviewed him and offered him a place without any indication of problems.

So what the hell happened?

It turns out that my son had been:
• distracted,
• was not following instructions,
• made careless mistakes in maths,
• had an irritating habit of not closing his As on top leaving them looking like Us,
• when asked to copy instructions from the board he answered back that there was no need as he had memorised the instruction
• And to top it all when asked at EMS to cut out pictures of what he wanted to be when he grows up .. he cut pic of gardens and houses!!! (Oh BTW the boy is crazy about Architecture and landscaping) but of course the teachers did not know that.

It was a hell of a mouthful from three different people to one unprepared mother. I was in shock!!

There was not a single indication before this meeting from the class teacher that things were going badly. In fact I had received a notice slip assuring me that my son was settling well at school only the day before. This was basically a direct hit from the left straight into the centre of my face by 3 females that should have known better. I felt ganged upon.

I took it all on board and realised that a response from me at that very moment would have very negative long term effects. I then calmly requested a day to digest all this and promised to come back to them. I left the school; parked by the side of the road and cried my eyes out. Only a threat to one of my kids can reduce me to tears like that. I don’t cry very easily nor do I cry pathetically like that. Usual I cry angry tears. This time around I felt so worried and anxious AND I couldn’t get hold of dear hubby. Ten minutes later I was pissing mad!!

Firstly about the content of the discussion and secondly about how it was handled. My son had just moved from a class of 24 in another school to a class of 10. He had come back from two months of holiday to a new environment and system. Okay there were areas that needed reinforcement but heck give a child a chance why don’t you.

Lastly it is just common sense to try and prevent shock and escalation of conflict by preparing the parents for bad news. Don’t just sommer gazump them with bad news machete style! It really is not conducive to the parent/ teacher relations.

I responded, the following day with a comprehensive ten point plan on how we were going to resolve these issues as a family. It ranged from Occupational therapy, to an au pair system, Kumon Maths, swimming and scouts. I have implemented all of those btw. I Then I let loose on my views about how they handled the process.

As far as I am concerned teachers, like Doctors, should have impeccable bed side manners. It just minimises problems going forward. For flip’s sake find a nice way to tell me about the short comings of my offspring. You will live longer for it. Trust me.